im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
