Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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