Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think pants incapable of making pants work
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
