Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
