As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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