My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
