He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
