It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
time to smoke my breakfast
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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