dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
