She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
