I will die if light touches me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
