My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Randomize
