I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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