So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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