so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
