in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
