Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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