he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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