I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
