And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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