i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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