there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
