Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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