found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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