I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
its liver damage thursday
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
