Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They took my balls.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
