Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When did angry sex become our thing?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
