My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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