Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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