If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
