i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
