I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
