I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
