i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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