I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
