I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night