In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
