omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
