i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
