Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
