Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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