so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
