i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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