tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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