You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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