i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
