For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
