I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
