She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
