I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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