Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
