i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
