Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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