last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
