we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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