Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
