how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
