He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
