it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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