I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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