My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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